When the same thing happens over and over again, sometimes people get dragged into it that do not deserve what I do to them. I know you did not mean for anything like this to happen, but it did, and it was the worst time it could have happened being that it happened right before. And a wounded heart is the hardest thing to mend. And when the stitches keep getting ripped open, things remain the same.

I do the same thing to everyone I like, or I find attractive or interesting. I tease and taunt and make fun of and pick on. If you can get through that, and you still like me; you’re a keeper. It is hard to be around someone who hurt you, I do not tell them how I feel, or cry, or act like a pussy. I get angry and I bottle up everything inside with anger and resentment and I get very bitter and I drop bombs to let them know how I feel and I really did not know I was making you feel that shitty, because normally they do not. They do not even get my hints. You are smarter and I should have known that. It almost hurts more that I hurt you being that your are a genuinely good person. I am nothing what people think I am. I think I am often a disappointment for them. I attract the people who like dating the asshole, because they think that is what I am going to be. I wish I could have 1/4 of the ego of even a normal person. Almost everyone I have ever dated has said the same thing to me “You deserve better than me” and then went on and on about how great I am. Are great people not wanted? Everyone truly wants the asshole. Maybe all hope is really gone… Hah…

I hate that some certain people’s happiness makes me literally sick to my stomach. All I have done for the past 3 days is drink. Last night I could not even stay there, I had to go, even though that conversation ended rather well, and everything got cleared up, everything is a disappointment for me, good or bad. Part of me thinks that I might go back to New York, but I cannot start over again. I have thought about moving a lot and disappearing and starting over… again, I do not want to do that again though but I have to do something insane very soon.

…Or I truly have nothing, nothing but disappointments…